i don’t mean to freak you out, but i kind of do.Posted: December 26, 2012
hey guys, you know i’m usually a pretty on-the-surface kind of blogger. it’s not that i don’t want to be real with you. it’s just that i think if i post too much of the heavy stuff, you won’t want to read that. and i did a nice little frou-frou post earlier today, but i’m feeling a little compelled to share some of the deep nasty with you now. it will likely change your opinion of me. i’m not excited about that, but i gotta tell you something important. so here we go. this is freaky, so i’m just going to come out with it.
let’s start from the beginning… i don’t do babies well. i like to sleep all night long. i’m not a fan of babies not communicating well or being very needy. i know this about me, and we decided to adopt for many reasons, but one of them is so that i wouldn’t have to do the baby thing again. that’s the real truth. i KNOW that i am prone to depression, especially during the baby year, and i intended to skip it. well, that didn’t happen. we brought home an 8 month old. and he sleeps like a newborn. i’m up several times a night. he’s almost one now, and it’s been several months since i’ve had a full night’s sleep. it started to wear me down. you know the feeling if you’ve done this before. i look forward to, and also dread bedtime. so anyway, that’s setting the stage. i was at a place of impatience and feeling like a martyr 24/7. not a good feeling for me or anyone in my house.
then it turned into a kind of sinking feeling come bedtime. like ‘i’m so glad they’re asleep, but it’s not like i’m going to be sleeping’ kind of thing. again, not good. well, here’s where it gets freaky…
i believe in spirits. jesus was seen casting out demons every now and then. i believe in angels and demons and God and satan. but mostly on the surface. i believe the bible, so i believe it’s all true, but i prefer to not see it in my life. i understand the concept of spiritual warfare and have sort of seen it manifesting itself during times of my life. right now i find myself in a dip of depression, but also a season of spiritual growth. like i’m moving from ‘being a christian’ who believes in Jesus as savior to a ‘follower of Christ’ who is reforming my ways and life and conversations and thought patterns to become more like him. it’s a lovely transformation, but it comes with consequences.
so the other day i’m up with jude rocking him back to sleep for the umpteenth time that night. i start feeling that uneasy, frustrated feeling. like no one will help me with this baby. like it’s all my fault, i’m the one that wanted to adopt. like it’ll be months before he sleeps properly. like i’m such a bitch all day long because i’m so tired. like i don’t know when this will end… do you hear these thoughts?! and i go lay back down in bed, alone, because brandon’s already gone to work and it’s only 4 am and i’ve got hours left before the sun comes up…
i drift off to sleep and the war wages on in my mind, but this time i start fighting back. when i start thinking all this negativity i start saying with another voice of hope “this isn’t you here” and “you’re clearly under attack” and “show yourself some grace”. but it doesn’t let up. i start thinking, instead, sort of while sleeping “you might actually be going crazy”, “you’re spiraling into a dark place”. and then my sleeping brain becomes a bit conscious and i actually feel so dark that i say OUT LOUD “if you are messing with me, in the name of Jesus, you have to get out of here”. and i sat up and opened my eyes. and i saw it. with my eyes. a figure, sort of transparent, though i could make out it’s mannerisms. it was literally leaning over talking into my ear while my head lay on my pillow. when i told it to leave, it stood up, turned around and dragged it’s fingers all the way down my bed and walked, slowly, out of my room.
you can tell me that was a dream, and maybe it was, but i don’t think so. and even if it was, that doesn’t make it unreal. it was very very real. it scared the crap out of me, but taught me a few lesson that i’m grateful for.
we are more than conquerors through Christ. this thing, as horrific and scary and unpleasant as it was, has less power than even me. it has to submit to the name of Jesus.
it is all so real. spiritual warfare is literal. i could have lived my whole life trying to gossip less or be less cranky with my kids or shop at target less in an attempt to be a better person and hope that in the end God’s grace would suffice. but nothing could make eternity more absolute than seeing what i saw. i can ‘know’ it’s all real, but it doesn’t exactly make the same kind of impact, you know?
we must arm ourselves. we should expect this. my baby blues have been kicked into high gear since jude came home. i’ve been physically tired and vulnerable. we also adopted a child from a muslim territory who was not likely to grow up in a christian home. we took one for our team. it apparently did not go unnoticed. arm yourself with truth and righteousness.
here’s a major one i’ve learned… do not believe everything you think. if it does not come from God, toss it.
and also… this happens to alot of people. the more i share the more stories i hear. no one wants to talk about it because it’s uncomfortable and unsettling and people might think you’re loco. but everyone knows someone, if not themselves, that have experienced something like this. don’t believe me? ask your pastor.
so what have my last three days looked like? well, day one i was petrified with fear. i told my husband. he thought i was likely sleep deprived. and then, thank God, i called my pastor and told him what happened. he said that what i was describing was precisely what a demon, or spirit, would do and would look like. and then he came over and prayed with us, gave me some verses to arm myself with, and taught me some facts that have been really helpful. i just shared them with you.
i’ve spent the next few days praying scripture, sharing with friends i trust, and trying to bring God’s peace and joy into my house. i even slept alright last night. i sort of hope this never happens to you, but at the same time, like i said, it’s been a bit of a blessing. my life won’t look the same. my family won’t look the same. i’m on my guard and i believe in things i used to sort of scoff at. i also feel more confident, more powerful, and armed than ever. bring it.
but i did finally do a painting for myself and hung it by my bed. just for good mojo.
i will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. psalm 4:8
AND if i haven’t completely freaked you out enough, and you still want to talk to me… if you find yourself up at night, there’s a good chance i am too. could you pray for me? the depression lifted immediately. i am a different person now, but i don’t want it back, that’s for sure. pray for peace and security for us. thanks.